Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Spider-Man is a man, but also a bit spider. Spider-man’s secret identity is Peter Parker , his physical features are mainly human , like his entire body, however he has the ability to create a web out of a white substance that nobody knows the name of. Spider-man also has the ability to lay eggs, he does this during the day, which explains what the hell Peter Parker does in his free time. He fights crime in New York City, which is apparantly populated entirely by villains, extras and Bruce Campbell.

According to legend, Spider-man can do anything a spider can. This includes climbing walls, sucking massive meat, spinning webs and getting squashed by giant shoes. He has the proportional strength of a spider. Apparently this makes him very strong, but that’s hard to swallow because most spiders are a bit flimsy. Spider-man is not very good at getting out of the bath. Spiderman can hold many Ectasy pills up his nose, he uses this power to transport drugs through out the city of new york for 5 dollars an hour.
Despite being a brilliant young scientist Peter @#$ker never graduated due to a cocaine addiction, and this may have contributed to the misery he was prey to, his long depressions and his emo phases.
Green Goblin was also a bit of a failure with women. His relationship with MJ was characterized by plenty of nooky but also several deaths, misunderstandings and arguments.
Causing the death of Gwen Stacey by annoying the Green Goblin was all Spidey’s fault, and he knew it and agonized over it for minutes.
In addition to Spidey’s own C0@#-ups, the press was antipathetic to the arachnoid avenger, with headlines like “Spidey could do better”, and “It wasn’t Spidey’s fault that terrorists blew up the World Trade Center”. Faced with a barrage of criticism from within and without Spider-man spiraled into a deep depression. He started to cut himself with broken glass while listening to emo songs.
Spider-Man’s beloved aunt May then got shot, and he said this is his fault because he thought telling all of his worst enemies and the world that he was really Peter F@#ker would be a brilliant move. This lead to an error of an evil bully Spider-Man. Shortly after, Buggy-man, who is just sort of Marvel Comic’s version of Satan, told him to “give me all of your love!” since Mary Jane and him were so great together. Spider-Man said “let me concider this further, ol’chap.” Eventually Spider-Man said “OK, take my memories of my love.” Mary Jane says “OK” too “but I want to whisper something.” Then Buggy-man and Jim Carrey said “OK I’ll erase reality to what I want it where you never really married Mary Jane but you lived with her (same difference, sorta), and hahahahha! I’m the devil and this lil’ ghost girl is your daughter!” Yeah.
Peter cried in tears again but when he woke up, he was in a world where he bummed off his aunt May again and life was great because he could make jokes, make stupid enemies that were awful, and someone could maybe or maybe not be Mary Jane as a superhero.
Moral: Marvel says it is OK to make deals with the devil, because that is cooler than killing off Mary Jane or separating them because of life endangerment. LOL LOL LOL crab too much!!!

Spiderman has died several times but never very severely. Fortunately, he gets two extra-lives every now and then while fighting venom. The closest he ever came to permanent death was whilst attempting to impregnate Spider-Woman. But female spiders bite the heads off their mates after impregnation and Spide-man had already shot his web-fluid several times that day, and was unable to empty his egg-sac, thus saving his head.

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